Everything in Life is a Transition, including death

In a simple word - yes. It is truly unfortunate that death is seen with trepidation, uneasiness, and fear for so many in our culture. Often people are unsure of how they should feel, or the physical digression they face. Too often they lose sight of what they have always believed is “over there” and “if” they will be “found worthy”.  Many times their faith becomes fragile, or is not able to touch family and friends enough to help ease their feelings of sadness and impending loss. Caregivers feel helpless to prevent the transition, or become frustrated at seeming to be unable to make the person more comfortable.  Family members many times are so distraught or angry they cannot discuss, share feelings, or deal with the process, let alone the absolutely necessary social and legal requirements the death ushers in and must be handled. Much undue stress, pain, and sorrow occur for so many, especially now with limited contact for the dying in hospital and nursing home situations.  All those situations can be helped tremendously with solid, experienced counseling and guidance for all concerned. 

As a medical professional, professional counselor, and minister, I have seen so much heartbreak and too much unnecessary suffering (including increased pain and discomfort) occur for both the patient and others that could be helped significantly with knowledgeable, patient, correct guidance about what to expect, what needs done, and reassurance that how they are feeling is natural and a process. 

I am often asked about hospice or palliative care and doesn’t that “do the job” instead of procuring the assistance of a death doula? My answer is a pure and simple “no”, because what they provide the patient or others is entirely different.  While both hospice and palliative care are wonderful if handled well, and can certainly alleviate some of the physical suffering of the individual, they do not offer counseling about what is happening, will happen, how it will feel, and how to gain skills to deal with the entire process of dying both for the patient and family.  They might hand you a small brochure, the name of a post-loss support group, or the pastor might call to “see if you are ok.”  While nice, none of those helps the person or family going through the process, compassionately dealing with the emotions, expectations, fears, and challenges.  

Sadly there is a lot of misunderstanding of what an end of life doula does to help make things easier for all concerned by some health care providers, fearing interference or financial loss. Neither could be further from the truth not only for what a death doula provides, but also how a qualified doula works. A death doula builds an individual, special rapport with each client, as each situation is unique and each person’s needs and issues different. They can help explain the dying process, what the person should expect, how they should feel, what the family should expect to see and experience vicariously, and even have frank, heart-to-heart talks about checklists and critical issues that are realities and should be discussed and preferably decided on in advance, such as obtaining counsel for advance directives, medical surrogacy, living wills, medical and durable powers of attorney, who gets what, and if funeral or memorial details have been made. 

There are a variety of counseling tools used, ranging from just talking to guided meditation, work lists, journaling, role playing, and other vehicles to help those involved be able to accept and assimilate the knowledge. Generally some preparation in advance saves heartache and headaches later, as well as conflict. It also assures everyone that the dying person’s needs and wishes are met. A reputable doula will never become involved in your financial matters, help make decisions out of their immediate and appropriate realm, or try and steer or direct anything outside what they are there for – helping make the dying process more comfortable, less frightening, calmer and hopefully a bit easier for everyone involved. 

Many of us have pets that are just as much part of the family as other members. Those without those relationships may not understand how we can become so attached to a furry or finned or feathered friend, but those emotions run deep and often simply do not ease over time. Loss is loss, no matter, and as a trained counselor I have tremendous compassion for those facing losses of this type. This is especially true when children lose a cherished pet they have grown up with and always known. Too often our culture thinks hiding or misrepresenting death makes it easier on everyone. Nothing could be further from the truth. This includes children and pets who are often inseparable, and also more sensitive and knowledgeable than we give them credit.  If your family has paws, claws, or scales, and understanding and receiving some guidance to help say goodbye would help ease the burden, please contact me.

My interest in working as a death doula comes from over 35 years of experience as a licensed medical professional, some of it working directly with terminal oncology patients including children. It was heartbreaking (and is to this day) to see patients going through this critical part of life scared, in pain, and emotionally torn, often due to simply not knowing what to expect, or having family members who were not coping with their death. As a trained spiritual counselor, minister, and medical trainer, I knew there had to be a way to help people and families, friends, spouses, and even those losing pets, to gain understanding and reassurance and be able to release fear and find some small piece of comfort in the process. 

Having been an oncology professional, I know from many years of experience that two of the most frightening words in the English language are “It’s cancer.”  If you or someone you care about are facing a potentially terminal diagnosis and the fear of the unknown is taking over your every breath, please call me. Knowing ahead what may happen, not will happen, and easing the burden and weight you are carrying can help your response to fight the cancer or other potentially terminal illness tremendously. Your thoughts, emotions, and psychological state have enormous effect on how your body fights and heals. Don’t let a diagnosis become a death sentence – get some information and understanding, calm and more collected to help provide you the best fighting chance to overcome and win against what your physical body is facing.

Unlike birth doulas, the vast majority of whom are not required to have formal training and have no overseeing body, death doulas as a group have training, credentialing, governing bodies, and firm ethics to follow.  I am a member of the International Association of Death Doulas, as well as the National End of Life Doula Alliance. Both of these associations require training, continuing education, rigorous examinations, and have a strong code of ethics that monitor those in relationship with the dying. 

Often the person who needs the wisdom of a death midwife the most is not the terminal person, but their spouse, child, friend, caregiver, estranged significant other, or even a co-worker. It is natural for people to feel pretty helpless watching someone they care about or have feelings for making transition. In general we do a very poor job in our culture of preparing people to make or face a transition. Most people do not know what to say or how to act around a dying person, or say the wrong thing or innocently offer false platitudes, often causing more pain and anxiety for the person making transition. Quite often it is due to their own sense of mortality, or memories of losing someone else (pets included) that to this day causes a strong upwelling of emotions. As both a spiritual counselor and medical professional trained to help people understand the dying process, a great deal of good can come from sessions with the person and the dying either individually or in group, to help them work through their own inhibitions, reactions, sadness, and sense of loss. It also may provide a time and safe place to say the things we wish we had, and did not get a chance. 

Each dying person should have peace and dignity. Their family, children, friends and co-workers should have compassionate and comfort shared with care. Children especially can benefit from transition counseling of a grandparent or pet. Coming to terms and understanding the process provides peace, closure, and acceptance on a much greater and healthier scale. 

If you or someone you care about could truly be helped with experienced, expert counseling and guidance through the dying process, please contact me through this webpage, email me at YourSpiritualJourneyLLC@gmail.com, or call/text me at 702-972-6771.  I feel very strongly about helping people know and not be in fear facing the unknown. Each client’s circumstances differ as to the amount of time and counseling needed, as well as other services and knowledge to gain a more positive, calmer, better end outcome. For that reason, the cost of death doula counseling varies case to case, but is always reasonable. Payments can be billed via PayPal or Square. In person with safe practices or virtual sessions via Zoom, Skype, and Facebook can be scheduled, as well as via telephone.  Located in the American Southwest, I am  available for paid travel to provide counseling in special circumstances.  Please contact me for a free initial talk about your needs and how I can help with this critical transition process that does not need to be feared.